Oops, I did it again!

I am tired. And I am even more tired saying all the time how tired I am. And
now I am further tired of all of this! This endless repetition of an acknowledgement
of something that have I managed to properly identify since ages! Enough; I
know all of this, so can I please now move on? I suspect life has more to offer
even if I am still banging all doors to open up and let me in.

I got seriously scared the other day. Being healthy most of the time, surprisingly
against all of my perpetual fatigue, I had an sudden, third time visiting me,
neurological pain on the left half side of my head. Extremely painful and
upsetting; I could not rest, sleep or just let go.

I had to do every single scan and test possible. From a person never setting
foot on a doctor’s office, I had to see too many of them too successively
within a week’s time. And I stand on my disliking them; modern medicine is so
much for the money and so little for the soul. But if we push ourselves to
fatigue zone over and over we are inviting the medical system in.

I had the evidence in front of me. For years, if not decays at this point.
But I kept pushing me forward not matter what. It is a pure, gargantuan
illusion that things happen suddenly to us, health wise. The body always speaks
and always from the first moment. It does not lose time compromising its
vitality in waiting; it produces pain. It signals pain as a red flag so big
that it makes a ripe tomato look pale in front of it. Real, excruciating pain
that no medicine, classic or alternative, can alleviate.

This kind of pain is the most honest voice in the universe that comes
directly from our soul to drift us away from the Illusion.

From one side is terribly devastating that no pain killer, no talisman, no
natural remedies can take it away, but this is a sign that can serve us so

The body never compromises its voice; it has something to teach us. How to
stand up for what we like? How to express our needs? How to set boundaries or
just resting breaks from our busy schedules?

The body is keeping our balance sheets; how are you doing in your personal
balance sheet?

I had to take time off after my neurological painful incident. And since no
remedy has worked for me so far, I kept searching for some much needed answers
because I honestly do not want to spend the rest of my days worrying when this
think will come back again. And right now, it’s not over.

As always, the answer was just under my nose; I am tired because my personal
balance is negative. My personal balance is negative because I give all of my
working and personal energy to help others and support projects and causes of
the general good. I give a very small fraction of my monthly time and care for
my own affairs and I am usually vey difficult in receiving acknowledgment. And
while I do not expect any recognition at this point, because I am not enjoying
he fruits of my labour, I end up being literally and figuratively broke, poor,
miserable and depleted. Oh, and of course, really, honestly, unquestionably
tired. Exhausted, fatigued, consumed, exasperated. Truly that.

Things are more simple; since I do not allow myself to receive the benefits
of my hard work, and the results of my talented action, my energy flow is
negative. I receive less of what I produce. Without connecting to the natural
sources of vitality, the feminine, mothering sources of human life, like
nature, a revitalizing massage, a well cooked and cared for meal, a good night
sleep, a nice, no pressing night walk, a meaningful conversation with a human
being that I like and respect, eventually I drain the last drops of my energy
and I collapse in pain

Oops, I did again. For one more day, for one more period in my life. And I
always start again, I start rising up again. But this is another exhausting
trait that I know where it leads.

This is not a good practice.

What can I do?

The body says no. The body speaks. The body knows.

It’s a one way street actually. It says “follow the signs” to
avoid collisions with others facing you. It indicates a rite of passage that
stems from nature and is no dangerous to me or the others. It dictates a
circadian rhythm against all bleeping digital sirens that arouse my nervous
system 24/7. It reminds me that all life stars and finishes in it, in the flesh
and bones. It winks playfully and jokingly repeats “I am all that there
is, I am all that you can touch and feel. All the rest is just an Illusion, a
big, fat, ugly Illusion. Come back to me. Stay with me. I am your home”.

The body can help calm the mind and caress the heart. A self-love grounded
in the body can be proven more effective than years of therapy and counseling.
But it is hard to accept this as a true statement and not fill alarmed for the
simplicity that it entails. Or guilty for not overburdening ourselves with a
more demanding questioning of whether this is indeed the liberating truth.
Because we deeply believe that it can not be so simple; either because we have
questioned everything in life that we have lost touch with this way of thinking
or because that would also reveal a lack of our perceptive ability. Both ways,
so unpleasant and so not welcomed results.

Today, I am taking myself for around three minutes to watch the stars in the
sky. I would like to be able to do it for more time but I know myself and I
know that I need a lot of days to calm my nervous hyperactivity and sit for
longer with no secondary thoughts. Since I am giving those minutes to myself
and not to my laptop, I am ok with that. It is an intention in the making and
it feels good.

And maybe pretty soon I would say again “oops I did it again, I watched
the stars today”.